Dear Agony Aunt,
I need your advice. I'm in love with 11 different men and I don't know which one to choose! It all started when I was four years old and I saw him (well one of them) on the tv, it's one of my earliest childhood memories and I can still close my eyes and picture the moment I first fell in love. Attached below is a photo of my first love interest.
There is a major age gap with my first option, I almost feel a grandfatherly affection from him. Sure he can be blunt and grumpy, but when things are going to plan he can have quite a good old chuckle. I love how he gets his words mumbled up and how he often forgets people's surnames (even though he says he does it just to annoy people). For our first date he took me to Rome to a toga party which was great, the second date didn't go too well though as he took me to Vortis and despite putting on insect repellent it didn't seem to repel the damn things! Perhaps the thing I love about him the most is how he helps me see life in black and white.
Oh my giddy aunt! Where do I should I start with the second guy? After dating a more mature man it was refreshing to trade him in for a younger model. He plays the recorder, likes to run and does a great South American accent. Although we dated for three years or so, most of the first two years in my mind are a bit patchy. Recently I recovered a few of those beautiful memories and I'm hopeful that very soon I will be able to uncover some more.
The third guy has a slightly peculiar dress sense, almost Austin powers like, but if I was ever walking down a dark ally at night, he's the guy I'd want to fend off potential attackers with his Venusian aikido. The main problem I have with him is he's very independent-always down in his shed trying out his latest experiments, I tired to offer help but I just ended up using a fire extinguisher to put out one of his experiments which caught fire (he couldn't even admit that it wasn't meant to happen). The only other problem I have is his hatred for authority! We went out for dinner one night and after he reversed the polarity of the car into a tight car park, he crashed into an undercover police car! Needless to say he didn't have any id on him so it was a long night at the station! Most of his mates seem to be in the army and it seems every week no matter where we go, we bump into one of his old school mates with a rubbish beard and a huge ambition of taking over the universe. He bought me a beautiful blue crystal from a shop I'd never heard of called Metablis 3 and in return I gave him an old yellow roadster which he said he would like to fix up in his spare time.
Then we come to number four and I have to say I'm concerned for his diet which seems to only consist of jelly babies! He has the most beautiful cheeky grin and I always get him to read me stories at bed time because of his wonderful booming voice. I have finally managed to stop tripping over his ridiculously long scarf, which can also be a great advantage to have around on those days that we pop over to Kastria. It all went wrong when after a seven year relationship, he fell of the Pharos project while trying to save the entire universe. My mate Shareen said all men either stop calling, or fall off the Pharos Project to end the relationship-maybe she's right.
I bumped into number 5 at your typical Edwardian era cricket game. He was amazing! Hitting boundaries, getting wickets and all with a cheeky boyish grin on his pleasant open face. He loves to be surrounded by company and although I became jealous at one point when I found him with some kid, an Australian and a 'princess from Traken', he insisted that they were just 'travel companions' and that I had nothing to be worried about.
Things didn't last for long with the sixth guy, our first few dates were cut embarrassingly short when he shouted at the waiter for smirking at his choice off dinner jacket. I didn't see him for a year but when he came back he had kind of mellowed out and I began to like him. It really looked like he was getting his life back on track, going to the gym, drinking carrot juice and even coming through a strenuous court case with a not guilty verdict in his favour. Then nothing! I wish he had been around for our third year anniversary- I think it could have been something really special.
After a year off from dating, I started attending a chess club and it was there I met the seventh guy. At first he was rather clown-like, playing the spoons or hanging off guard rails with his umbrella for no apparent reason. Then one day when we went out to see a performance of 'Cats', he felt really distant and it was like the more I hung out with him, the less I knew him. He walked out on me one day saying that he had 'work to do', it was the most painful day of my 26 year life. So painful that I calculated it would probably take me at least 7 years before I could ever love again.
Seven years later I met the eighth guy and don't get me wrong he was a really nice guy, but we only went on one date and just never went out again. I think if he had maybe not tried to kiss me on the first date it might have made things a little less awkward. I keep hearing he might come back and I'd give anything to see more of him, even if it were just for a few minutes, but I'm resigned to the fact that he must have moved on.
Nine years passed before I went on another date and I was beginning to think Mr right was never going to come along. Then I met the ninth guy! For someone who had just come back from some sort of horrendous war, he was pretty cool. Always so optimistic, I'd say, 'do you want to go out for fish and chips?' And he would enthusiastically reply, 'fantastic!' I sometimes had trouble understanding his accent but what he lacked in communication he made up for in dancing. Unfortunately history was to repeat itself again and things ended pretty badly. On a trip back in time to the 80's, I tried to save my dad from dying and created a massive time paradox that threatened to eat up all of time itself. Sure I know I screwed up, but there was no need to refer to me as a stupid ape (I'm very self-conscious about my facial hair and posture!)
Ah number ten! I lost a lot of weight with him, because we were always running everywhere. He did this cute thing where his voice would squeak when he got excited. It was such a whirlwind of a romance, I didn't want to blink in case I missed it (or got attacked by a weeping angel). Like all romantics he could speak French, passionatly kiss me and tell me all the time how brilliant I am! I got the feeling he was still in love with an old girlfriend or something and then when one of his mates 'captain jack' started cracking onto me, I knew I just needed to move on.
Finally we come to my eleventh and final relationship (for the foreseeable future anyway). He dresses well, always wearing a bow tie and apart from being slightly clumsy and having bizarre tastes in food, it's hard to find fault with him. I can only recall one awkard moment, when I met him for dinner at a Turkish restaurant and he turned up wearing a fez causing silence to fall in the whole restaurant-he didn't seem to care he thought it was 'cool'. I don't know if he was in a big accident or something but his nose and chin could probably do with a bit of work, but he has two hearts of gold. However it's his bit on the side that I have a problem with-River Song. She turns up everywhere and whenever I ask her who she is or how she knows the Doctor she just says 'spoilers', I wouldn't mind 'spoiling' her face with my fist.
Anyway Agony Aunt I appreciate your time reading this lengthy letter and I would really appreciate your advice answering one question, one that has been asked since the very beginning, I know I need to choose one Doctor, the question is Doctor Who?
Doctor Who celebrates 50 years on November 23rd, make sure you don't miss the party!
#SaveTheDay
